So let’s just admit things. You probably screwed up and now you’re late as hell. You’re about to show up at least 30 minutes late for this stupid date and the girl’s pissed. What do you do, hot shot? What do you do?

Well, first and foremost, you should never admit fault. That would be showing weakness. On top of that, it would be advisable that you not even call. Just show up when you show up and pretend like that’s when you were supposed to be there. After all, you cannot let her win this date. You need as many points as possible, and you just started with a severe handicap. To succeed, you’ll have to engage in mass deception.

Second, blame everything else, including the girl herself for showing up so stupidly on time. Traffic is always a common thing to blame, but why not your landlord for not fixing that jiggly doorknob that you just had to repair? Or perhaps your cat for needing her fuzzy belly scratched? Or your mom for calling to complain about not yet having grandkids? The girl can be blamed for showing up on time, for not calling you, and for being so damn uptight about you being late. She is an endless source of blame as well.

Third, punch her ticket for the guilt train because it’s time to make her feel like a bitch. Explain that you were late because you had to take care of your blind little sister with diabetes and Downs syndrome, and she was heartbroken because her favorite pet rock had a stomachache.

Tell her how you had to patiently kiss a stone to keep your precious, loving sister from being sad and that you couldn’t possibly get to a cell phone or computer to rectify the situation. That ought to make her feel terrible. If it doesn’t, throw in a dead puppy tale as well.

If you played your cards right and she feels like a huge jackass, congrats. You have now won the date. You can get a second one or at least some sympathy sex. Be sure to make up a tale about how your unfortunate sister doesn’t live with you or you will be screwed.

Ever been late for a date? Good. We hope she felt terrible.