Talking to women is hard. They have ladybrains instead of normal ones, so they often think about shopping, shoes, and emotions rather than sports, beer, and other man-things. Since basically women are from Venus and men are from Earth, talking to them can be rather difficult.

Instead of taking the time to get to know someone you’re talking to, the best strategy to engage in is finding quick, snappy lines that can instantly win a woman’s heart. Then you can pawn her off to your sister or some other female that she can blab to instead of having to hear that chatter.

“Excuse me. I think you’re standing on my million dollar bill.” Things have changed very little since the dawn of man, when women went for the caveman with the most food. The only thing in your pocket that a woman really cares about is your checkbook. This line works every single time, unless you do not have an actual million dollar bill for her to stand on. Then you would look like a stupid jerk.

“Would you like to hear about the last time I cried?” Ladies like sensitive men. That’s why the only sensitive men they hang with are gay, but you don’t have to be gay to fake a cry. One clever trick is to cut a hole in your pocket and yank as hard as you can on whatever short and curlies you find. That ought to get the waterworks going. And then you’ll look sensitive and she will lay you so hard.

“Grah. Ungh.” If you have muscles, just flex. Women can pretend to play it cool but they cannot resist an awesome body. All you have to do is show her that you are capable of killing things with your bare hands and she’ll be like putty. Instead of buying her a drink, throw her over your shoulder and take her home with you. She will be grateful that you were eco-conscious and didn’t take a cab.

Do you have pickup lines that work? No. You don’t.