Sure, you’ve got a kicking rad dating profile. But what are you going to do now that you’ve selected just the right balance of indie bands, emotionally sensitive movies, and trendy cuisines? Well, you can’t just take a dump around the Mona Lisa and call it a picture frame. You’ve got to complete the image or else you’ll look like a jerk. You’ve already got tons of photos of yourself on your computer. Here’s how to pick the right one.

Step one: sort out all the pictures of you from your senior year in high school. They are stupid. We’re willing to bet that it’s the first and only time that you were ever professionally photographed, but that doesn’t mean that it’s actually a good photo. Why don’t you cut the crap and pick something that’s from the past year instead, you lazy, tacky bastard? Also, no one cares that you lettered in chess club.

Step two: get rid of all the photos that show you in some sort of state of partying or inebriation. While it’s true that it looks great when you smile in photos, it doesn’t look so great when you’re smiling because you just blew chunks on your best friend’s face. It’s even worse if he’s still in the picture.

Step three: use only photos with you in them. You were smiling pretty big when you were sandwiched between those two Hooters waitresses, but women are insecure, fragile creatures. Reminding them that they’ll never have awesome jugs like that is considered tacky. Go with a tasteful photo without tatas.

Step four: by this point, you have no photos, so just take a crappy webcam picture. Or better yet, snap a picture of you shirtless in the mirror with your substandard smartphone. Chicks dig .5 megapixels.

Do you know how to take awesome photos? Great, because we don’t. Help.