A tense time while dating someone is when you finally meet her family. It can be stressful because it feels like they’re judging you. Well buck up, jerkface. They are. They want to pick you to shreds and make sure that you suffer for every second of it because you, my friend, are dating their precious little girl and if you mess up so help them God you will be toast. Here is how to weather the onslaught.

Be instantly defensive. This is incredibly important. These people do not care about you. They are your adversaries. When they ask you a question, assume that it’s because they detest you and are trying to look for weaknesses. Do not offer them any. Instead, when they ask a question, answer the question you wish they’d asked. For example:

“So, Todd, what do you do?”
“I can benchpress your entire fucking house, old man.”

They should now be sufficiently scared.

Show off. Now is the time to let the parents know that their little girl is in safe hands. You can demonstrate this by bragging, sure, but why not show them what you have to offer? Instead, why not show them your skills as a sharpshooter and squeeze off a few rounds? We would recommend doing this outside but be creative. If they have a railroad apartment you could easily pop a cap or two from one side to the other.

Ask your girlfriend to stop talking to them. Listen, we all get that parents are just trying to be helpful, but really they’re just a pain in the ass. Tell your girl to drop them like a bad habit or hit the road. This would optimally be done in front of them so that they know how terrible they are.

Got any hints for us? Or do we have to beat them out of you?