A lot of the advice on this site is geared towards guys who are socially adept, handsome, or rich. If you are none of these things and cannot fix the situation anytime soon, the next best thing you can do is pretend to be gay. Women love gay men, and doing so means that you will gain the trust of many beautiful women around you. At that point, you can pretend to be dealing with some sort of emotional crisis and have them comfort you with their pillowy bosoms. Here’s how to play it cool–or flaming.

Play it subtle. The first thing you have to do is not be incredibly over-gay. Women grow suspicious of men who upstage them, so you will have to do subtle things like not looking at her cleavage, complimenting her hair (with specific details), and listening unironically to opera. She will start to wonder what’s up. If you need help trying not to look at her cleavage, pretend like they’re laser beams that will incinerate you if you make eye contact.

Confess your gayness. At that point, you have her hook, line, and sinker. That’s a fishing term for those of you out there who are actually gay. Now, all you have to do is tell her that you’re gay. Although you will be asked on punishingly long shoe-shopping excursions, you will also have access to her full dating life as well as slumber parties, massages, and ridiculous amounts of body contact. Congrats. Now you know what gay men get to do all the time–okay, most of the time; you don’t want to know the other part.

Pretend to be confused. If there’s one thing to stroke anyone’s ego, it’s converting someone from one sexuality to another. Play it cool for about a month and then confess that you are confused and inexplicably attracted to her. At that point, if she doesn’t bed you, she’s probably a lesbian. Be sure to call her one if she doesn’t sleep with you. After all, you just wasted a month on her.

Any tips on how to play it gay? Put them fabulously in the comments below.