Now that none of us has a job any longer, we’re living on food stamps and living in government housing.

That’s not actually so bad because government cheese goes well with depression, and the rats tend to only come out at night, giving the cockroaches a break from stealing your precious, precious food crumbs.

That doesn’t mean you should be a David Downer! Go on a date and take your special lady to some awesome new place. How to date on the cheap? Here’s a few ideas.

Industrial park. Why not take a thermos of that Tang you picked up at the food bank with some generic crackers and bring your sweetheart down to the local industrial park?

No one ever goes down there due to the intense pollution and radiation levels, but that shouldn’t stop you! No sir, this is a great spot once you clear some of the dead seagulls off the oily sand.

Plus there won’t be any annoying kids, old people, or anything else living, for that matter.

The ‘hood. Instead of going to the fancy parts of town, you can instead find a great deal if you go to the worst part of town. Just head down wearing some of your finest clothing and hit up the first place that looks like it might serve food.

Try to be as clear as possible as to what you are attempting to order, however; drug slang often mimics that of a greasy spoon diner, so getting your eggs ‘over easy’ might result in the purchase of a baseball-sized rock of crack cocaine.

The fanciest restaurant in town. Don’t think you can afford it? Au contraire!

Hit up the nicest place in the city and have a long, leisurely dinner. Both of you should try to get as much delicious seafood, gold-leaf chocolate, champagne, and other fineries as possible.

Once the bill has been racked up, excuse yourself to the restroom and have your lady join you there. Then run out on the bill.

Why would you pay for all that? It’s expensive!

Got a cheap date idea for us? Don’t bother. We don’t want to hear it.